Lucky's Pizza - Asshats, New York Style

I go out to eat often. Probably too often. But I can't help it. I love pizza.

Quite honestly, born and raised in Chicago - how could I not? Well, outside of Chicago, nobody does a Chicago stype pizza without screwing it up - so I've lowered my standards to tolerate New York Style pizza, which is screwed up no matter where you go. But it's consistently screwed up, which I can handle because I know ahead of time not to have high standards. It's friggin' cheese on cardboard.

I *know* everyone has a bad experience with a pizza shop. Perhaps it was as minor as skimping on the 'extra' cheese that you paid for. That's a great scam. Or it was late. Or the server sneezed on it as she was setting it on your table. (That happened once, and then feigned surprise at our reaction). Or maybe your order is wrong. Or half of it is stuck to the top of the pizza box. Maybe you got halfway through your pizza, and noticed someone's shoe print on the bottom of the box as you pulled slices out. Or it was cold.

Well, I know MOST pizza places are honest, and most aim to please. And most pizza drivers have a pretty craptastic job. So I always try to cut them some slack, and go a little heavy on the tip. That's a dangerous job, and so I can't rip on them. Keep one thing in mind: Your pizza guy is alone in his car with your pizza for at least 20 minutes. So remember that and dish out a deep-pan level of respect and gratuity, or he may dish out a deep... well, let's not go there.

Well, you probably already know that, by the sheer fact that you're reading the world famous WorldofAsshats blog, that this isn't about honest or friendly pizza places. This thread is about Lucky's Pizza, which is the absolute OPPOSITE of honest and friendly pizza joints.

While the service we normally receive isn't always up to par.....



While the guys at Lucky's Pizza may be average asshats on most levels, I think we have one pretty qualified candidate out of that group of poop-flingers for all-time asshat fuckuperry.

Let me explain. Despite practice and deceit, Asshats will eventually show their true colors. Usually in private, and when they least think someone is watching. And so I tell you about them, but usually in my own words, because that's the only side of the story I can offer. Not this time. This time, I'm going to let you hear Lucky's Pizza in action FOR YOURSELF!

So here goes. I call Lucky's Pizza in Peoria, Arizona. I ordered 6 pizzas from Lucky's Pizza. I paid for them, picked them up, and was in the middle of eating them when somebody from the store called my cell phone demanding to know when I was going to pick up my pizzas.

Wait.... WHAT?!

I was EATING his pizzas when he called. Literally, NOM NOM NOM eating.

Like this:


So I told him that I paid for the pizzas. He calls me a liar! So I tell him I have a receipt proving that I had already paid for the pizzas. He told me to come show him, which of course, I wasn't going to do. I was miles away in the middle of a meal. I was a little busy at the moment (you know, EATING HIS PIZZA) and I didn't feel like arguing about not picking up pizzas when I was eating pizza, so I told him to figure out his problem, and hung up on him.

He called several times on my cell phone, leaving text messages saying 'please call', and I'm thinking to myself, "what does this asshat WANT"? And here's where it gets good:

He left a nice long obscene message on my cell phone voicemail!

So do you want to hear it? Of course you do.

And to help you understand the uneducated, get-high-in-the-parking-lot-with-the-dishwasher-on-a-nightly-basis asshat who should really be grabbed by the back of the neck, and have his head slammed against the cash register until one or the other splits open, I've provided the captions, and proof of my purchase.

Got your popcorn ready? Good. Scroll down and click on the play button. on the Blogger bar.



I called back a day later, after hearing the message, and tried to work it out. At first I thought it was funny. Unprofessional, and retarded, and absurd... but really, unbelievable and funny. I just wanted the name of the manager so I could tell him what was said to me and get down to the bottom of what actually happened - and quite honestly, AN APOLOGY. I got the manager, and said his name was John, but he was too busy to hear my complaint, and if I didn't like it, I could just shut the ---- up and never come back. Well, THAT's a stunning shocker, right?

I started arguing with him, and he passed me to another employee who then told me his name was John Belushi.

"Oh, like the drunk fat guy from Animal House?", I asked.

"No, I'm his brother you f---ing moron", he replies.

"Yeah? So your mother was so stupid, she named you both John?", I inquired with a grin.

And in a stunning turn of events, it just went downhill from there.

So to hell with Lucky's Pizza. Apparently the manager, the owner and the employees are content on treating people like crap. And being from Chicago, I take great offense at any blasphemy hurled towards the late great Belushi. I'd rather eat my pizza in the comfort of my own car than spend another second in the presence of those acne-spackled doomed souls inside.

Lucky's Pizza on Lake Pleasant Road in Peoria, and all the jackholes working there are taking up too big of a slice in the World of Asshats.

No-Interest and ARM Lending Mortgage Asshats

You know, a lot can be said about the recent Adjustable Rate Mortgage Loans going around. Or, I should say, HAVE gone around. Because there's not a whole lot of people left that can afford them, and those who can certainly aren't filling their gas tanks to "full" now, are they?

I'm trying to figure out who is more responsible. Who do we hold accountable? Would it be the asshats that OFFERED these horrible loans? Or the ignorance and stupidity of asshats who signed on the dotted line?

Let's discuss!





The customers.
People who thought they were getting a great deal - ag first - begged their mortgage companies for "a break" after falling behind and ended up being served their foreclosure notices. For their efforts, they have received a slick "Sorry, these are the conditions of your loan - pay up, or move out". So as a result, those people - families, singles, roommates - people just trying to get ahead have "moved on", you could say. Back to the rental agreements and noisy neighbors with you!

I simply must make a judgment call on this. You were silly for signing for a stupid loan. Despite that, part of the criteria for earning the label "Asshat" is your intention. So while you made an extremely bad judgement call, I just can't bring myself to paint you with the asshat label today. Besides, you already have a lifetime of credit problems due to this, not to mention the inability to buy a house for 2 years.

Some of you can see where this is going.





The Banks.
And then there are the banks. Who I personally think rank highest in the World of Asshattery. They OFFERED this ridiculous loan scheme, knowing that someone would sign when the mortgage payment was $750.00 a month, and ended up somewhere close to DOUBLE that!

Let me get this straight. YOU, Mr. Authorized Bank and Money Expert, having been formally educated in the World of Finance, actually OFFERED a loan to someone that was already 50% of his income, darn well KNOWING that eventually, the rate was going to go up. And you slid the papers, neatly stacked, with your fancy yellow "Arrow - SIGN HERE" stickers, where they are to sign their life away while you look directly at the future homeowner, across the desk and sat there with a smile on your face while your thankful (at the time) clients were excited about finally getting their new home. In a time of war and economic uncertainty.

Enter tough economy. Suddenly, 60% of your clients are crapping themselves, and the best you can offer is the terms of your loan. They can't pay, so you foreclose and evict them. TO THE POINT WHERE IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS.

So what do you do? You go TO THE GOVERNMENT WITH YOUR HAND OUT and BEG that they ease your suffering, since you OBVIOUSLY know your business, that you DESERVE to be BAILED OUT.

The SAME begging that you did to the government, who had nothing to do with your shoddy business practices, YOUR OWN CUSTOMERS did TO YOU and while they didn't know any better, or took a risky chance, you YOURSELVES offered NO MERCY.

So to the banks that offered Swing ARM Loans.....



Banks that relied primarily on ARM Loans - you're taking up air in the WORLD OF ASSHATS.