Credit One Bank Offers from Asshat Banking Institutions, and Axl Rose (who surprisingly is not an asshat in my article today)

There are things you don't do.

Like push an old granny in front of an oncoming bus, for instance.
You also don't steal from your parents. Even if they ARE asshats.
You don't hit women. Ever. That's not even asshat - that's cowardice.
But here's one thing you don't do to kids, especially if they're mine:

You don't RIP OFF KIDS. Got that, CREDIT ONE BANK?

I normally don't think Axl Rose has ever said anything amazingly insightful, but in his song, "Get In The Ring", which in my opinion, is his best work ever, he publicly humiliates people who have written articles about the band that weren't true because they knew the article would sell magazines, and in turn, controversy unfairly thrust upon the band. Read: asshat journalists. Anyway, here's what he says to those jerkwads:

You be rippin' off the fuckin' kids While they be payin' their hard earned money to read about the bands They want to know about, Printin' lies startin' controversy You wanta antagonize me? Antagonize me motherfucker! Get in the ring motherfucker! And I'll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk! -Axl Rose

I think he nailed that one pretty good. And it applies here.

So what happens when kids get their first credit card offer? Well, let me answer that for you right here!
I mean, okay, starting credit is pretty damn important. And if you screw up badly, it affects you for the rest of your life.

But what kind of asshat charges a kid a piece of plastic, immediately demanding $138.00 in FEES PLUS 23.9% INTEREST and expects them to "Enjoy the world of good credit"?

He'll pay $32.98 in INTEREST ALONE....

Bringing the grand total to $170.98 before he buys ONE DAMN THING FROM THE STORE!

It's bad enough we get our assess slapped directly after delivery into this world (and while some of you may LIKE that kind of thing...), slapping a kid in the face and charging him outrageous credit card fees is really REALLY stupid.

At least let the kid grow up first, and then offer him an ARM LOAN before he goes and completely FUCKS UP HIS FINANCIAL LIFE forever, will ya? Can he at least graduate HIGH SCHOOL before you start sending demand letters and threatening him with legal action? Is that too much to ask, you greedy, sick FUCKS?

Seriously. Look at this!
What kind of sick bastard thinks this stuff up?

Well, I for one am not taking it. This asshattery needs to be addressed. So I'm enclosing my notes back into the pre-paid envelope and sending it back to them at their expense.

Oh look! I can choose from the styles of pictures!

"Dynamic Card Designs" even! Oooooohhhh!


There's the Statue of Liberty! Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.... Yeah, you'll be poor, tired AND yearning to breathe free of THIS card!

Or you can get a closeup of a LEAF! Because that's what people end up wearing when the credit card companies are finished with you.

Oh look! Mount Rushmore! What the hell is Theodore Roosevelt doing on there? Credit One Bank only cares about the Washingtons ($1), Hamiltons ($2 bill) and Lincolns ($5 bill) you have! Quite honestly, I'm shocked they didn't dedicate a credit card with Benjamin Franklin's picture on it.

It takes a Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and TWO George Washington's to PAY THE FEES for this card. If 5 Presidents plus George Washington-Times-Two can't own this card on their own, NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE!

What other design can you get? Ahhh. A starfish! That makes sense. You'll be paying out of your starfish to get started with this card, only to be washed up later on. And probably living on a beach for the rest of your life. Not beachfront property, I mean... you. On the sand.

Anyone who rips off kids is an asshat. But Credit One Bank is being charged interest by me in the World Of Asshats!