I can buy my lovely wife candles and Mary Kay cosmetics for half the cost that a representative will sell them to me. I can find the solo album of the bass player for The Cars. No kidding. (For those of you wondering, the late Benjamin Orr). If I have worthless crap laying around, I can place it in a box, call the auction "Crap I know nothing about" and actually have somebody bid on it.
It's absolutely unreal! I can sell garbage, and yes, someone will buy it.
Here's the difference, though. I actually list my garbage as garbage. Using very clear, and easy to understand phrases such as:
BROKEN. or... DOESN'T WORK. I've even used, USELESS. IN THE TITLE! And yes, someone buys it.
Ebay is it's own self-sustaining planet of asshattery, complete with social structure, the haves-and-have-nots, the "occasional" visitors, and levels of law and order.
The specific asshats I'm talking about, however are the ones that sell fake stuff and pretend the item is real. I have a theory on this, and it goes under the lines of "You can fool some of the people some of the time...". Yeah. You know the rest.
Well, I like to think that I'm one of those "Can't fool ALL of the people ALL of the time". Although, a few sellers on Ebay sure have tried.
Take, for instance, a "Genuine Pink Floyd Picture Disc". Being a guy who is desperately trying to find something of interest and value to collect, I purchased a few picture disc vinyls.
BOTH Pink Floyd vinyls were fake.
Here are pictures of them, in case you decide to take up this fascinatingly plagued-with-counterfeits hobby:
So upon learning that they're fake and have absolutely no value, and considering I paid almost $40, and $60 dollars for them, I considered my options.
The first thing I did was contact both sellers. I told them they were fake and I wanted my money back.
Enter Asshattery!
Ebay Asshats: "Oh, sorry about that. Return it for a refund. I didn't know."
WRONG, asshats. You knew. You knew they were fake when you bought them from a distributor overseas for $2.00 apiece, or YOUR distributor sold them to you for $5.00 apiece.
So my reply? I'm not returning them. It's illegal to sell counterfeit copies, it's illegal to advertise them, list them for sale, to sell them, and to distribute (mail) them. So State AND Federal law prohibit me from mailing them back.
Now, give me my refund.
Ebay Asshats: No. you have to mail them back first.
My reply? The only place I'm going to mail them to is Capitol Records, who will verify that they are fake. And when they do, I'll have your information included so they can prosecute you. You might enter a plea bargain by giving them your distributors information, so keep it handy.
Money refunded.
One of them called me a theif. Which is rich. Only an asshat would sell me a $2.00 record for almost $60.00 and then call ME a THIEF when his buffoonery was called upon.
A THIEF!
Hey EBAY asshat, let's take a closer look at those records, shall we? Ahh yes.
Some counterfeiting pirate asshat used the british spelling of the word "UnauthoriSed" when the record clearly states it was made in the U.S.A. which would be translated into the proper form of that language. I think. But okay, I can't prove that it couldn't happen.
But here's what I CAN prove. "STRICKTLY prohibited"? And what the hell is Broadcating? Oh yeah, Capitol Records released a limited edition picture disk with TWO frigging SPELLING ERRORS.
Hell, even the spelling editor in BLOGGER caught THAT one! And so could a fourth grader.
So in conclusion, if you end up with some illegal crap on Ebay, I hope you do what I do.
Offer the criminal a second chance. He can either forfeit the record and refund your money, or you may have spent $50.00, but you can bet that the record industry lawyers will be knocking on this guy's door wanting to know why he made $50.00 off of something that was never made.
And even if that happened, you could file a claim through PayPal and STILL get your money back.
If you're selling crummy fake wares on Ebay, thanks for taking up air in the WORLD OF ASSHATS!
