Credit One Bank Offers from Asshat Banking Institutions, and Axl Rose (who surprisingly is not an asshat in my article today)

There are things you don't do.

Like push an old granny in front of an oncoming bus, for instance.
You also don't steal from your parents. Even if they ARE asshats.
You don't hit women. Ever. That's not even asshat - that's cowardice.
But here's one thing you don't do to kids, especially if they're mine:

You don't RIP OFF KIDS. Got that, CREDIT ONE BANK?

I normally don't think Axl Rose has ever said anything amazingly insightful, but in his song, "Get In The Ring", which in my opinion, is his best work ever, he publicly humiliates people who have written articles about the band that weren't true because they knew the article would sell magazines, and in turn, controversy unfairly thrust upon the band. Read: asshat journalists. Anyway, here's what he says to those jerkwads:

You be rippin' off the fuckin' kids While they be payin' their hard earned money to read about the bands They want to know about, Printin' lies startin' controversy You wanta antagonize me? Antagonize me motherfucker! Get in the ring motherfucker! And I'll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk! -Axl Rose

I think he nailed that one pretty good. And it applies here.

So what happens when kids get their first credit card offer? Well, let me answer that for you right here!
I mean, okay, starting credit is pretty damn important. And if you screw up badly, it affects you for the rest of your life.

But what kind of asshat charges a kid a piece of plastic, immediately demanding $138.00 in FEES PLUS 23.9% INTEREST and expects them to "Enjoy the world of good credit"?

He'll pay $32.98 in INTEREST ALONE....

Bringing the grand total to $170.98 before he buys ONE DAMN THING FROM THE STORE!

It's bad enough we get our assess slapped directly after delivery into this world (and while some of you may LIKE that kind of thing...), slapping a kid in the face and charging him outrageous credit card fees is really REALLY stupid.

At least let the kid grow up first, and then offer him an ARM LOAN before he goes and completely FUCKS UP HIS FINANCIAL LIFE forever, will ya? Can he at least graduate HIGH SCHOOL before you start sending demand letters and threatening him with legal action? Is that too much to ask, you greedy, sick FUCKS?

Seriously. Look at this!
What kind of sick bastard thinks this stuff up?

Well, I for one am not taking it. This asshattery needs to be addressed. So I'm enclosing my notes back into the pre-paid envelope and sending it back to them at their expense.

Oh look! I can choose from the styles of pictures!

"Dynamic Card Designs" even! Oooooohhhh!


There's the Statue of Liberty! Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.... Yeah, you'll be poor, tired AND yearning to breathe free of THIS card!

Or you can get a closeup of a LEAF! Because that's what people end up wearing when the credit card companies are finished with you.

Oh look! Mount Rushmore! What the hell is Theodore Roosevelt doing on there? Credit One Bank only cares about the Washingtons ($1), Hamiltons ($2 bill) and Lincolns ($5 bill) you have! Quite honestly, I'm shocked they didn't dedicate a credit card with Benjamin Franklin's picture on it.

It takes a Benjamin Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and TWO George Washington's to PAY THE FEES for this card. If 5 Presidents plus George Washington-Times-Two can't own this card on their own, NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE!

What other design can you get? Ahhh. A starfish! That makes sense. You'll be paying out of your starfish to get started with this card, only to be washed up later on. And probably living on a beach for the rest of your life. Not beachfront property, I mean... you. On the sand.

Anyone who rips off kids is an asshat. But Credit One Bank is being charged interest by me in the World Of Asshats!

Lucky's Pizza - Asshats, New York Style

I go out to eat often. Probably too often. But I can't help it. I love pizza.

Quite honestly, born and raised in Chicago - how could I not? Well, outside of Chicago, nobody does a Chicago stype pizza without screwing it up - so I've lowered my standards to tolerate New York Style pizza, which is screwed up no matter where you go. But it's consistently screwed up, which I can handle because I know ahead of time not to have high standards. It's friggin' cheese on cardboard.

I *know* everyone has a bad experience with a pizza shop. Perhaps it was as minor as skimping on the 'extra' cheese that you paid for. That's a great scam. Or it was late. Or the server sneezed on it as she was setting it on your table. (That happened once, and then feigned surprise at our reaction). Or maybe your order is wrong. Or half of it is stuck to the top of the pizza box. Maybe you got halfway through your pizza, and noticed someone's shoe print on the bottom of the box as you pulled slices out. Or it was cold.

Well, I know MOST pizza places are honest, and most aim to please. And most pizza drivers have a pretty craptastic job. So I always try to cut them some slack, and go a little heavy on the tip. That's a dangerous job, and so I can't rip on them. Keep one thing in mind: Your pizza guy is alone in his car with your pizza for at least 20 minutes. So remember that and dish out a deep-pan level of respect and gratuity, or he may dish out a deep... well, let's not go there.

Well, you probably already know that, by the sheer fact that you're reading the world famous WorldofAsshats blog, that this isn't about honest or friendly pizza places. This thread is about Lucky's Pizza, which is the absolute OPPOSITE of honest and friendly pizza joints.

While the service we normally receive isn't always up to par.....



While the guys at Lucky's Pizza may be average asshats on most levels, I think we have one pretty qualified candidate out of that group of poop-flingers for all-time asshat fuckuperry.

Let me explain. Despite practice and deceit, Asshats will eventually show their true colors. Usually in private, and when they least think someone is watching. And so I tell you about them, but usually in my own words, because that's the only side of the story I can offer. Not this time. This time, I'm going to let you hear Lucky's Pizza in action FOR YOURSELF!

So here goes. I call Lucky's Pizza in Peoria, Arizona. I ordered 6 pizzas from Lucky's Pizza. I paid for them, picked them up, and was in the middle of eating them when somebody from the store called my cell phone demanding to know when I was going to pick up my pizzas.

Wait.... WHAT?!

I was EATING his pizzas when he called. Literally, NOM NOM NOM eating.

Like this:


So I told him that I paid for the pizzas. He calls me a liar! So I tell him I have a receipt proving that I had already paid for the pizzas. He told me to come show him, which of course, I wasn't going to do. I was miles away in the middle of a meal. I was a little busy at the moment (you know, EATING HIS PIZZA) and I didn't feel like arguing about not picking up pizzas when I was eating pizza, so I told him to figure out his problem, and hung up on him.

He called several times on my cell phone, leaving text messages saying 'please call', and I'm thinking to myself, "what does this asshat WANT"? And here's where it gets good:

He left a nice long obscene message on my cell phone voicemail!

So do you want to hear it? Of course you do.

And to help you understand the uneducated, get-high-in-the-parking-lot-with-the-dishwasher-on-a-nightly-basis asshat who should really be grabbed by the back of the neck, and have his head slammed against the cash register until one or the other splits open, I've provided the captions, and proof of my purchase.

Got your popcorn ready? Good. Scroll down and click on the play button. on the Blogger bar.



I called back a day later, after hearing the message, and tried to work it out. At first I thought it was funny. Unprofessional, and retarded, and absurd... but really, unbelievable and funny. I just wanted the name of the manager so I could tell him what was said to me and get down to the bottom of what actually happened - and quite honestly, AN APOLOGY. I got the manager, and said his name was John, but he was too busy to hear my complaint, and if I didn't like it, I could just shut the ---- up and never come back. Well, THAT's a stunning shocker, right?

I started arguing with him, and he passed me to another employee who then told me his name was John Belushi.

"Oh, like the drunk fat guy from Animal House?", I asked.

"No, I'm his brother you f---ing moron", he replies.

"Yeah? So your mother was so stupid, she named you both John?", I inquired with a grin.

And in a stunning turn of events, it just went downhill from there.

So to hell with Lucky's Pizza. Apparently the manager, the owner and the employees are content on treating people like crap. And being from Chicago, I take great offense at any blasphemy hurled towards the late great Belushi. I'd rather eat my pizza in the comfort of my own car than spend another second in the presence of those acne-spackled doomed souls inside.

Lucky's Pizza on Lake Pleasant Road in Peoria, and all the jackholes working there are taking up too big of a slice in the World of Asshats.

No-Interest and ARM Lending Mortgage Asshats

You know, a lot can be said about the recent Adjustable Rate Mortgage Loans going around. Or, I should say, HAVE gone around. Because there's not a whole lot of people left that can afford them, and those who can certainly aren't filling their gas tanks to "full" now, are they?

I'm trying to figure out who is more responsible. Who do we hold accountable? Would it be the asshats that OFFERED these horrible loans? Or the ignorance and stupidity of asshats who signed on the dotted line?

Let's discuss!





The customers.
People who thought they were getting a great deal - ag first - begged their mortgage companies for "a break" after falling behind and ended up being served their foreclosure notices. For their efforts, they have received a slick "Sorry, these are the conditions of your loan - pay up, or move out". So as a result, those people - families, singles, roommates - people just trying to get ahead have "moved on", you could say. Back to the rental agreements and noisy neighbors with you!

I simply must make a judgment call on this. You were silly for signing for a stupid loan. Despite that, part of the criteria for earning the label "Asshat" is your intention. So while you made an extremely bad judgement call, I just can't bring myself to paint you with the asshat label today. Besides, you already have a lifetime of credit problems due to this, not to mention the inability to buy a house for 2 years.

Some of you can see where this is going.





The Banks.
And then there are the banks. Who I personally think rank highest in the World of Asshattery. They OFFERED this ridiculous loan scheme, knowing that someone would sign when the mortgage payment was $750.00 a month, and ended up somewhere close to DOUBLE that!

Let me get this straight. YOU, Mr. Authorized Bank and Money Expert, having been formally educated in the World of Finance, actually OFFERED a loan to someone that was already 50% of his income, darn well KNOWING that eventually, the rate was going to go up. And you slid the papers, neatly stacked, with your fancy yellow "Arrow - SIGN HERE" stickers, where they are to sign their life away while you look directly at the future homeowner, across the desk and sat there with a smile on your face while your thankful (at the time) clients were excited about finally getting their new home. In a time of war and economic uncertainty.

Enter tough economy. Suddenly, 60% of your clients are crapping themselves, and the best you can offer is the terms of your loan. They can't pay, so you foreclose and evict them. TO THE POINT WHERE IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS.

So what do you do? You go TO THE GOVERNMENT WITH YOUR HAND OUT and BEG that they ease your suffering, since you OBVIOUSLY know your business, that you DESERVE to be BAILED OUT.

The SAME begging that you did to the government, who had nothing to do with your shoddy business practices, YOUR OWN CUSTOMERS did TO YOU and while they didn't know any better, or took a risky chance, you YOURSELVES offered NO MERCY.

So to the banks that offered Swing ARM Loans.....



Banks that relied primarily on ARM Loans - you're taking up air in the WORLD OF ASSHATS.

EBAY Asshattery

I love Ebay. No, really, I do.

I can buy my lovely wife candles and Mary Kay cosmetics for half the cost that a representative will sell them to me. I can find the solo album of the bass player for The Cars. No kidding. (For those of you wondering, the late Benjamin Orr). If I have worthless crap laying around, I can place it in a box, call the auction "Crap I know nothing about" and actually have somebody bid on it.

It's absolutely unreal! I can sell garbage, and yes, someone will buy it.

Here's the difference, though. I actually list my garbage as garbage. Using very clear, and easy to understand phrases such as:

BROKEN. or... DOESN'T WORK. I've even used, USELESS. IN THE TITLE! And yes, someone buys it.

Ebay is it's own self-sustaining planet of asshattery, complete with social structure, the haves-and-have-nots, the "occasional" visitors, and levels of law and order.

The specific asshats I'm talking about, however are the ones that sell fake stuff and pretend the item is real. I have a theory on this, and it goes under the lines of "You can fool some of the people some of the time...". Yeah. You know the rest.

Well, I like to think that I'm one of those "Can't fool ALL of the people ALL of the time". Although, a few sellers on Ebay sure have tried.

Take, for instance, a "Genuine Pink Floyd Picture Disc". Being a guy who is desperately trying to find something of interest and value to collect, I purchased a few picture disc vinyls.

BOTH Pink Floyd vinyls were fake.


Here are pictures of them, in case you decide to take up this fascinatingly plagued-with-counterfeits hobby:

So upon learning that they're fake and have absolutely no value, and considering I paid almost $40, and $60 dollars for them, I considered my options.

The first thing I did was contact both sellers. I told them they were fake and I wanted my money back.

Enter Asshattery!

Ebay Asshats: "Oh, sorry about that. Return it for a refund. I didn't know."

WRONG, asshats. You knew. You knew they were fake when you bought them from a distributor overseas for $2.00 apiece, or YOUR distributor sold them to you for $5.00 apiece.

So my reply? I'm not returning them. It's illegal to sell counterfeit copies, it's illegal to advertise them, list them for sale, to sell them, and to distribute (mail) them. So State AND Federal law prohibit me from mailing them back.

Now, give me my refund.

Ebay Asshats: No. you have to mail them back first.

My reply? The only place I'm going to mail them to is Capitol Records, who will verify that they are fake. And when they do, I'll have your information included so they can prosecute you. You might enter a plea bargain by giving them your distributors information, so keep it handy.

Money refunded.

One of them called me a theif. Which is rich. Only an asshat would sell me a $2.00 record for almost $60.00 and then call ME a THIEF when his buffoonery was called upon.

A THIEF!

Hey EBAY asshat, let's take a closer look at those records, shall we? Ahh yes.

Some counterfeiting pirate asshat used the british spelling of the word "UnauthoriSed" when the record clearly states it was made in the U.S.A. which would be translated into the proper form of that language. I think. But okay, I can't prove that it couldn't happen.

But here's what I CAN prove. "STRICKTLY prohibited"? And what the hell is Broadcating? Oh yeah, Capitol Records released a limited edition picture disk with TWO frigging SPELLING ERRORS.

Hell, even the spelling editor in BLOGGER caught THAT one! And so could a fourth grader.

So in conclusion, if you end up with some illegal crap on Ebay, I hope you do what I do.

Offer the criminal a second chance. He can either forfeit the record and refund your money, or you may have spent $50.00, but you can bet that the record industry lawyers will be knocking on this guy's door wanting to know why he made $50.00 off of something that was never made.

And even if that happened, you could file a claim through PayPal and STILL get your money back.

If you're selling crummy fake wares on Ebay, thanks for taking up air in the WORLD OF ASSHATS!

How this blog began...

So who cares, right?

Another dickhead complaining on his website about the vast sea of idiots he claims is surrounding him. Fair enough, but that's only partially true.

The reality is that asshats surround us. It's not just meant as a clever moniker for people who are dishonest or saucy - not that they're not included. But the every day oddities of people, the way people become (or are inherently) dishonest, or people who generally piss me off will find their way on my page.

If it's the illegal counterfeiting assholes on Ebay, they'll be here.
If it's a credit card dishonesty, they'll be here.
If it's fine print that trips me up and screws me over, yup... you'll be here.

Nevertheless, welcome to my blog.